“I hate girls”
When I was a teenager, I recall one friend in particular stating that she “hated girls.” I started to laugh, as this statement seemed absurd at face value. How could she hate what she was?
Years later, when I was in the process of “coming out” to a more conservative friend about my feminism, she stated that she believed girls were the problem. I made a statement to her which I stand by today: that the reason so many women see other females as the enemy is something that needs to be explored in further depth. Obviously, men benefit from women fighting with one another, and often enough, these competitions revolve around either A) Men B) Looks
I know what both my friends were getting at; girls were the ones who made snide remarks about what another girl in their class was wearing. They generally engaged in a passive-aggressive bullying that’s hard to call out (such as giving some chosen girl the Silent Treatment). Yet, when my friend mentioned being afraid to walk down certain streets due to the possibility of sexual assault, I pointed out it wasn’t women who instilled that reasonable fear in her.
I find myself thinking about this topic now for several reasons. First, several radio shows I’ve listened to have included men calling in to point out that women are often the first ones to blame other women when they’re raped. Sadly, this is true. There are even some studies that show men on juries are more likely to find male rapists of women guilty than are women. Women don’t want to believe their beau could do something as horrific as what this woman states was done to her. Surely, she drank too much. Surely, she was asking for it. (I actually had a young woman in a class of mine say she wanted to write a paper about “girls who lie about rape.” And not from a feminist perspective ). Additionally, women simply have less credibility when speaking than do men.
I should also add that when we’re talking about jury composition,women are routinely asked if they or anyone they are close with have been a victim of sexual assault. Women who answer “yes,” are automatically disqualified from the jury. There is no such similar process for men, such as asking, “have you or anyone you’re close to been accused of sexual assault?”
Who benefits from a book such as this?
Anyhow, the other reason I’m thinking about this topic is because I’m in the middle of Alexandra Robbins’ book, Pledged
I wonder if a book revealing the secrets of Fraternities, including the hazing rituals, gay bashing, and misogyny, would be as a big a seller as this book on women who seemingly self-impose outside standards on one another. My guess is, no. After all, “boys will be boys.” But catfighting is the province of the female sex, or so it is made out to be. Do boys and men spend time criticizing one another for their weight or not having designer jeans? I can’t say for sure, but it may really be accurate that they don’t do this ripping-each-other-to-psychological shreds anywhere near the extent women do.
If they did, they wouldn’t have the energy to terrorize women. Hmm…that might be an idea…drive a wedge between teh menz.
Like this:
Posted on August 12, 2011, in "catfighting", bullying, college students, creating sisterhood, middle school, sisterhood?, sororities, Uncategorized, who benefits? and tagged greek life, Pledged by Alexandra Robbins. Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.
I do field work in the trauma/survivor therapy field in my city and the sex crimes unit specifically prefers men to outweigh women on juries because of this phenomenon of women being harsher and more judgmental of female rape and assault survivors.
I think you are on to something with your conclusions about why this occurs. I find women who are not survivors looking for a reason this could not happen to them, and doing a lot of victim blaming in the process.
Something that blows my mind is that so many woman have actually been sexually assaulted (in one way or another)themselves that there shouldn’t be but a handful who answer the question thruthfully with a “No”.
But that’s part of the whole brainwash: most women still do not think of certain “actions” or “behaviors” as what they are: sexual assaults/rapes. Add to that that such a tiny percentage of sexual assault/rape cases make it to court (as we are all too aware
) and only those deemed *most aggregious* at that, and what we have is a legal recipe for convincing women that they are NOT being sexually assaulted/raped when in fact they are.
Sargasso, this is an interesting comment.
Do you think it is our place to tell a women she was raped/assaulted if she does not think she was?
I think that telling a specific woman that she was raped/assaulted is not usually helpful if she is denying it. Trying to force someone to see your point rarely is. Helping all women understand the dynamics at work is quite important. It is a consciousness-raising process. At some point the concept of sexual assault clicked for me.
I recently tried to make a list of all the ways in which I was sexually assaulted. It included things like being groped on public streets. Having older boys trying to “touch my underpants” as a pre-schooler on the playground. This list became quite long and I began to remember some things that were long buried.
It was depressing but also empowering to do this. I’m still not done with it. The list is quite long.
@katies,
Yes, I was in my late 20′s before I reflected on the sexual abuse I endured as a child, and it opened the floodgates to just how many times I was assaulted in my teens and early twenties! It really is eye opening, at least it was for me – when I realized just how many times I was coerced and/or exploited as a teenager and also in college.
I also think awareness raising and education is key. I would never tell a woman what she is supposed to think about something that happened to her. Some people’s resilience is amazing and I would support that authentically, not push a trauma on someone unnecessarily.
Wow. One idea would be to start a blog where womyn from all over the globe could post their experiences anonymously.
Male supremacist system/patriarchy continues its policy of ‘divide and conquer’by maintaining the lie that women’s sole value and worth lies in meeting male approval and this ensures women are the ones ‘policing and judging other women by patriarchal standards.’
Women learn as girls their sole value and worth is in meeting male approval and these lies are indoctrinated into female children in various ways, including malestream media, education, family and of course the social system.
Men are not constantly subjected to claims they are not ‘measuring up’ but rather learn as boy children they are autonomous humans and also learn they have certain inalienable rights – including the right of autonomy and subjectivity. Women do not have these rights because we aren’t human.
Then there’s the fact our male supremacist society hates women and teaches girls and women that being female is in itself to be inferior to the supposed default male. So many women want to be accorded a little of the male power and to do this they target women and girls rather than the real culprits – men. After all it is much harder to challenge a man who has power rather than a woman who does not have men’s structural and individual power.
Male supremacist system has very successfully promoted the lie that women and girls are always responsible for males committing violence against them as well as punishing any woman/girl who dares to charge a male with committing sexual violence against women. This is why so many women refuse to see the truth and Instead internalise the lie that if they are submissive to men; accept men’s lies as truths, believe that if a woman doesn’t dress a certain way; doesn’t drink; doesn’t even breathe without male approval (sic) this means the woman will never be subjected to male sexual violence. But of course this is a lie because men who make the choice and enact their agency (sic) do commit sexual/physical/psychological violence against women irrespective of how the woman dresses/behaves etc. and the reason is because men as a group hold women in contempt and believe male supremacist lies that men have the right to subject women to rape and other forms of male domination. After all men as a group and as individuals have to ensure the focus is never on them and their actions and that is how scapegoating operates. By keeping the focus on women and constantly telling women ‘you are responsible because you don’t measure up to male myopic views of “truth.” Clever is it not constantly keeping women in a state of anxiety because their actions/behaviour doesn’t meet the male masters’ approval.
As long as male supremacist system exists it will be men as a group who will remain the ones defined as the default human and it will be men who will continue to define ‘what a woman is and how women are supposed to behave.’ Remember the dominant group cannot subject themselves to criticism and analysis because if that happens they are no longer the dominant group. Racism exists because whites (or rather white men) have declared they are the default humans and non-white women and men are not human.
Keep repeating the lie and it becomes ‘truth’ which is why so many women blame other women for men’s violence committed against them – because holding men accountable is too frightening to even contemplate because this would mean no longer believing the lies male supremacy tells women.
That is why misogyny is centuries old and shows no sign whatsoever of ending because male supremacist system tells women and men that women aren’t human since only men are the default humans and men’s views/mens’ values (which always benefit men never women) are supposedly ‘the truth.’
Divide women and ensure their focus is always on wondering ‘am I meeting men’s approval’ ensures male supremacist system remains unchanging. It also ensures women are doing men’s job which is maintaining male domination over all women. If subordinates are the ones ‘policing’ other subordinates the dominant group doesn’t have to worry about ‘uppity’ women challenging male supremacy.
Long, long overdue for men to engage in criticising other men but herstory shows time and again men will always band together because they know that maintaining male domination over women ensures that all men benefit – except all men do not benefit equally but all men have the right if they choose to enact male domination over women because male supremacist system was set up by men to keep women subordinated. That’s why Women’s Liberation came into existence and why Women’s Liberation from male oppression had to be demonised.
This was so beautiful, Hecuba.
“After all it is much harder to challenge a man who has power rather than a woman who does not have men’s structural and individual power. ”
Yup. It’s so easy to get sucked into focusing on nitpicking on other women. A friend and I have discussed why there tends to be lots of drama at all-female gatherings. One of the reasons she put forth was that this is a time women can FINALLY put their needs on the table, in a way they wouldn’t dare, say, among male co-workers or male friends/partners. This explanation really makes a lot of sense to me.
The women I most admire in the feminist movement truly don’t blame or shame other women. Of course, I imagine this is very difficult when other women attack your work.
I don’t believe in women being the perpetual victim, so although I understand the background and role sexism and patriarchy plays – I also think there needs to be a place for education, and also responsibility towards other women. Internalized oppression is powerful and very real, it makes the reality some women live and play out, harsh. It’s not about blame or shame in my field, it is about the harsh reality of the situation. My role is to have the back of survivors, and if a woman has internalized patriarchy so fully that she is actually a detriment to the well being of another woman who was raped (and has already been blamed and shamed) then although I may understand why a woman may have this reaction to another woman, I also show little sympathy for the hysterical blindness.
The same is true at the mosque I attend where we are trying to end segregation. Some of the loudest voices against integration at my mosque are the older women. Yes I understand that they have swallowed their oppression whole, and I also fully agree that they are doing men’s work for them by being the pitbulls at the frontlines against our fight for integration. Let’s not fool ourselves though, the reality is that some women will be the one’s standing with men against us. There is no room for blame, but we must treat those who wish to enforce patriarchy as a whole, regardless of gender. They are grown women and have made their choices.
I think it is so so sad, and I get why it happens – but that doesn’t change my reality and I don’t play well with excuses.
AlmostClever,
I don’t know how to deal with certain women either. I do know that people in general don’t deal well with being told what to do, especially when the other person sounds like they think they know everything (I’m talking about how I’ve come off at times). I do know everyone’s life is a work in progress….but yeah, it makes it way too easy for the boyz when they have women to do their dirty-work. It’s a way of flat-lining the concept of sisterhood, as well.
P.S. This also does not mean we don’t keep trying to get to the root of the matter (patriarchy and cultural acceptance of violence against women), and we all need to nurture and promote the self-esteem of our sisters – but there are limits, especially in my field and in my religious background. We need to have priorities.
I blame hetero-normativity!!
I agree!
I remember the girl-hate as a kid, too. I took part in it, sadly. As a labelled “tomboy” i always thought my girlhood restricted my behavior, the behaviors only the boys were “supposed” to do – like taking off my shirt to play and wearing almost only “boy clothes.” Girls were mean to me and i was mean to girls, but now i see that this is a technique that patriarchy uses to keep us hating one another and ourselves. Just now, on tumblr, which is usually full-of-fail i was told i was “cis-sexist” and “transphobic” because of my refusal to name myself a “cis-woman” – why does everyone hate girls? Someone on tumblr even posted a “gender neutral” bathroom sign for elementary bathrooms. I am cool with this, as long as girls are provided with another option to have their own space. Girls have zero bodily autonomy in our culture and to create this bathroom w/o another option is anti-girl. I think anyway…thank you for posting about this, although it brings back bad memories – it makes a lot of sense.
BK,
Yeah, this topic brings back bad memories for me, too. Indeed, in Raingsinger’s brilliant post, she compares the divide and conquer in the feminist movement to that which girls do to each over as adolescents.
I recall going to the movies with five guys in high school. My mom thought it was weird–just me and five guys going to the movies, but I admired how laid back they were compared to my female friends. They bought tons of snacks, ran up and down the aisles, and didn’t bother with “thank yous” though I am not advocating the latter. Dumb me, I thought we were all friends…but I later found out the guys thought differently. I was always a potential sex object to them.
I have since learned that almost any time I attempt to be friends with a man, he assumes it is sex I want. Because that’s what he wants. Or all he associates with women. Even saying a nice word to a man gets them thinking I am sexually interested in them, so I now try to avoid even that. It’s sad, but really, they have brought it on themselves.
Oh yeah, ever since I wrote this post, one of the most popular search phrases that ends up hitting this blog is, “I hate girls.” I hope they get some food for thought!